The Things I'll Never Say
by LadyLukia
Summary: Usagi believes her life is on the path to perfection, but everything suddenly changes when a famialar Starlight returns to Juuban. For the first time, Usagi has to make her own choices rather than allowing fate to decide for her. SeiyaxUsagi
1. The Beginning of an Ending

**This is my first attempt at a full-length Seiya and Usagi fic. This is my favorite pairing in the fandom, and I hope that I can do it justice. I really don't have much to say in this note, except that this is merely the intro chapter and I can promise that once the story gets going they will be longer and more in-depth. **

**I _always _welcome constructive criticism in my reviews. If you see anything wrong with my writing in any way, be it a character flaw or a typo, please let me know!**

_

* * *

You'll find better love,_

_Strong as it ever was,_

_Deep as the river runs,_

_Warm as the morning sun._

_Please remember me._

-"Please Remember Me" by Tim McGraw

* * *

"I had fun tonight." 

Usagi Tsukino's cheerful giggles fluttered through the humid night air like a butterfly dancing on the wind. As she skipped and whirled across the grass towards the veranda overlooking Tokyo Bay, Mamoru Chiba walked a few strides beyond, chuckling to himself. His girlfriend turned to him with a dazzling grin. "Did you, Mamo-chan?"

"You know I've never been one for social events..." he suppressed laughter as Usagi's face fell into adorable disappointment. "But I have to say that I did enjoy myself."

The smile returned and she spun around once more, racing to the rail of the terrace. Mamoru had to marvel that she could cavort so well in her high heels. But, then again, it was Usagi. She was full of surprises like that. When she reached the balustrade, she leaned her body over as far as she dared to get a better look at the water below. "Oh, Mamo-chan, come and see!" she called. "It's so pretty."

Mamoru eased his body beside hers, looking down at the waves that lapped at the shore. The water caught the lights, both the celestial and the urban variety, and reflected them up at the lovers. They stood quietly for a while, absorbing the atmosphere of the night.

The filmy halter dress she wore suddenly fluttered about her legs in a spontaneous summer night breeze, the pale pink of the fabric made iridescent by the moonlight. She sighed contentedly, enjoying the welcome gust of air, and reached for Mamoru's hand, which he offered her dutifully. She clasped it in her own delicate fingers and brought it to her cheek, leaning her head against his warm skin. For a few minutes they stood there, her eyes closed in happiness and he gazing lovingly at her sweet face. Then, suddenly, he writhed his hand from her grasp and brought his arms around her waist. Usagi's face lit up in a shy smile. "Mamo-chan..." she whispered, but he silenced her with a shake of his head.

"Usako?" His rich baritone seemed calm, yet it revealed the slightest suggestion of anxiety. The blonde, ever attentive to others' emotions, opened her mouth to speak, but Mamoru brought his head close to hers. His lips grazed her forehead as he murmured, "Can I ask you something, please?" She nodded solemnly, her lips pursing in concentration, much to his mirth.

"Usako, I love you. I love you more than anything, you know that, right?"

"Yes..." she breathed. "Yes, of course. I love you too, Mamo-chan."

"I know, Usako. All I've ever wanted was to make you happy. I want to give you everything. You're my whole world, Usako." With that, he broke the embrace, stepping back slightly.

"All I've ever wanted is to be with you. And, Usako..." he dropped down on one knee, and a tiny satin box appeared in his hands as if by magic. Usagi unexpectedly felt her eyes begin to fill with tears. "Usako, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to spend eternity with you. So, please---" He lifted the lid, unveiling a white-gold band encrusted with a sparkling, prismatic diamond. The woman's breath caught in her throat. "---Do me the honor of becoming my wife. Be mine, for the rest of eternity."

His dark blue eyes pierced into hers, and she felt the tears begin to fall. "Oh, Mamo-chan! Yes!" she cried, the light of her smile rivaling the moon. Mamoru slipped the ring onto her slender finger and rose to his feet. He gathered her into his arms and their lips met with all the emotion each could muster. Usagi's feet came off the ground as he twirled her through the air, their blissful laughter echoing through the empty bay.

Everything was the way Usagi imagined it would be.

Everything was as she imagined it _should _be.


	2. Falling Up, Falling Down

_"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."._

-Nelson Mandela

* * *

Usagi's cerulean eyes flickered open, blinking slightly at the morning sun that peeked in vivid beams through the white curtains. As her groggy mind slowly came to focus, she became aware of the fact that she was naked in bed. Next came the realization that her garments were strewn over the bedroom floor---as well as clothes that certainly didn't belong to her. Then her full consciousness instantly came forth, and she recalled, with a slight blush, just _what _happened last night. She lifted her left hand, and sure enough, the diamond ring flickered in the sunlight jubilantly. The thought that this was her first morning as Mamoru's fiancée sent pleasant chills down her spine. Of course, last night had been their first night together, and Mamoru certainly hadn't let it go to waste. 

Usagi drew the satin sheets close over her body, quite perceptive of the soreness between her legs. She gave a pensive sigh. It seemed so traitorous to have regrets about losing her virginity. It wasn't because she had lost it to _Mamoru_; no, she loved him and it seemed the right thing to do. But she had always wanted to save herself for their wedding night. Still, she knew quite well that she was very much to blame for the events that took place. She had wanted it just as much as Mamoru had.

At that moment, her fiancé (how foreign and exciting the word was to her!) appeared in the doorway, mugs of coffee in his hands. He smiled brightly at Usagi and slid into bed next to her, handing her a cup and planting a kiss on her cheek. She returned the smile, but she felt slightly uncomfortable with her nudity. A part of her was thankful that he was at least wearing his boxer shorts. She took a sip of the coffee, wrinkling her nose slightly at the bitter flavor. If there was one thing imperfect about Mamoru, it was that his skills in the kitchen were nothing short of lackluster. He watched her drink her beverage with a bemused expression.

"Good morning, Usako."

"Good morning, Mamo-chan."

For a moment Usagi's mind blundered. Should she say anything? That would be awkward, but so would not mentioning it at all...Unexpectedly, Mamoru interrupted her thoughts.

"Thank you for last night."

Oh, God, the conversation could only go uphill from _that._

She forced a smile and nodded, at a loss for words. "Yeah...um..."

Mamoru's hands searchingly wrapped around her tiny waist, and his body became even closer to her's. Usagi's heart raced, but she felt the same feeling in her abdomen that she had felt mere hours ago---a nerve-racking mixture of desire and energy.

"Who knew that you could be so lively?" Mamoru teased her suggestively with atypical boldness, his fingers trailing down her hip and over her thigh. Usagi squealed playfully and jumped away from his touch. "Mamo-chan!"

He leaned towards her when suddenly an acute chiming sounded throughout the room. He gave a growl of frustration and rolled over, getting to his feet. He located his pants on the floor and retrieved his cell phone, ringing like mad, from the pocket. He flipped it open and put it to his ear with casualty.

"Yeah?...Are you sure?...Right now?...Damn it. Yeah, I'll be right in."

The phone closed with a snap, and he gazed at Usagi with remorse. "I'm sorry, Usako, but I've gotta run to the office. Kurai completely screwed up all the archived bonds, and I've got to get down there and straighten everything out. I wish I could stay."

Usagi reclined passively, making sure the sheets covered her chest. "Don't worry about it. It's fine, really," she said encouragingly. Mamoru was pulling on the clothes he had so hastily discarded when they arrived home last night, trying desperately to smooth out the wrinkles. Such was the consequence of spending the night at your girlfriend's without having a change of clothes for the next day. "Does this suit look alright?" he asked anxiously. Usagi nodded.

"Thank you for being so understanding. I know this must get on your nerves," he told her as he knelt beside the bed so the blonde could arrange his tie. She rolled her eyes lightheartedly. "Honestly, I don't mind. At least you have a real job."

Mamoru chuckled. They both constantly jested about Usagi's unorthodox career habits. It was no surprise that Mamoru ended up paying for almost as many of Usagi's bills as he did his own. However superficial it might have seemed, there was no denying that the young business mogul had more than enough income to take care of both of them. Only fresh out of the Azabu Institute, he had already climbed high in the corporate world, dealing in international trading. Unfortunately, Mamoru's dream job came at a price --- he could spend hours at a time on the phone negotiating enterprising deals and many more hours were occupied in his office. The one advantage of the time that the couple lost together made every moment that they shared much more special. Nonetheless, it was moments like these that Usagi hated Mamoru and his job the most. But this morning she was ashamed to admit that she was glad of his departure.

He rushed a kiss on her mouth before promising to call later and hurrying out the door.

Usagi lay her head on the pillow, relieved that he had to go. It wasn't that she dreaded making love with Mamoru again, and it wasn't that she dreaded making love _with Mamoru_ again, but she had felt so impure when they had done it. Even this morning she felt polluted, as though there were a part of her that she couldn't reclaim. It was like all this time Usagi's character---her _integrity_---had been sealed inside a glass jar, its aura displayed brilliantly from the inside. Now that the line had been crossed, the seal had broken, and some of the light had escaped. Like Pandora's Box. Confused and unsure of what to think, Usagi rolled over, intent on going back to sleep. Even though Mamoru was no longer in the house, she made sure that the blankets covered her body anyway.

* * *

She was jarred awake by the ringing phone on the beside table hours later. Expecting it to be Mamoru, she suppressed a yawn and answered with demure "What's up?" 

"Usagi!"

Oh, definitely _not _Mamoru.

"Hi, Minako."

"Are you up?"

"Yes," Usagi lied.

"Good! Get down to the coffee shop in by the mall right away! We need to talk!" Minako chirped with unusual obscurity.

"Why? Can't you just tell me over the phone?"

"No, no, no! You need to hear this in person! Live! Face-to-face!" It was obvious that she was practicing immense self-control. Typically, she would have spilled the hot gossip the second the other line answered. That alone was reason enough to make Usagi a thousand times more interested than she would normally be.

"Okay, I'll be there soon."

"Okay! Hurry up!"

Usagi rolled out of bed, landing on her feet with a quiet thump. It was so unlike Minako to be that cryptic. Usagi hoped, with good reason, that whatever Minako had to say was worthwhile.


	3. The Color of Esteem

**I am infinitely sorry it took so long to update. I started my senior year of high school (scary thought...the only thing more frightening will be me when I go off to college next year. I'm not the sort of person you would want unleashed on the unsuspecting public.), and you know that's not really an author's picnic. I've been sneakily writing on my laptop during study hall, which the teachers would probably be peeved about if they were aware of it (thank God for large study hall classes and convenient stairwells, what can I say). Regardless, this is a relatively short chapter, but it took me weeks to write. It was also a bit hard because it is very to-the-point and cliffhanger-ish, but I didn't want it to be three or four paragraphs long. So, yeah...filler. And to add insult to injury, I had the finished draft just sitting here for about two weeks, with me being either A) too busy, B) forgetful, C) too lazy, or D) all of the above to actually take all of the two minutes to log in and post it. Next chapter will be out quite soon, I promise. I really do. On the consequence of never being able to eat an ice cream sandwich (I swear, they're gonna make me fat).**

**...Yeah, anyways. My sad little life has nothing to do with the story, so let's just read. 'Cause reading is good.**

* * *

_And it doesn't seem fair_

_That your wicked words should work_

_In holding me down_

_No, it doesn't seem right_

_To take information_

_Given at close range_

_For the gag_

_And the bind_

_And the ammunition round..._

_This is not about love_

_'Cause I am not in love_

_In fact I can't stop falling out._

-"Not About Love" by Fiona Apple

* * *

Minako Aino was, by nature, a very brash person.

Her sparkling energy, her hasty momentum, and her enthusiasm for life in general was nothing short of contagious. She possessed the remarkable ability to incite a hunger for the latest gossip in the most reserved of people---Ami Mizuno came to mind---and with her aura of liveliness she could inspire the most apathetic sloth to haul ass when the occasion called for it.

No wonder then that Usagi Tsukino was hauling ass.

Minako, perched on the edge of a wrought-iron chair of the coffee shop's patio, caught sight of the petite blonde sprinting up the sidewalk from almost three blocks away. Dodging past others on the street and practically leaping over crosswalks, it was a miracle she hadn't yet been smushed by a speedy city bus or raced right into an open manhole. A Cheshire-cat grin stretched across Minako's face. As morbidly amusing as those prospects might be, they couldn't beat the fun of toying with Usagi personally.

Usagi came to a grinding halt before Minako's table, doubling over in an attempt to catch her breath.

"Hello...Mina...chan..." Usagi panted.

"Hello, Usagi-chan. Why don't you sit down?"

Usagi eagerly collapsed into a chair and greedily snatched the bubble tea that Minako had pre-ordered. For a minute there was silence as Usagi alternated gasping for air and chugging the cold, sugary drink. Minako studied her with a thoughtful expression, slurping noisily on her strawberry smoothie. Finally, Usagi looked up with wide eyes. "So? What did you want to tell me?"

Minako set the glass down on the table and reclined back, closing her eyes. Her voice adopted an air of mystery. "Hmm? Whatever do you mean?"

"Minako-chan!" Usagi protested.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

The senshi of love and beauty had to forcibly fight herself to not laugh as Usagi gave a dejected wail.

"Oh, alright then." She heaved the chair forward so it rested on all four legs once more. "I shall tell you. However, you must wait for a while longer."

She did allow herself to laugh as Usagi's sweet face crumpled into an agonized grimace. "Usagi, Usagi, Usagi! All in good time!" she chided.

"Why do I have to wait?"

"For...them!"

Usagi turned around in her chair to see what had caught Minako's eye. Amongst the many citizens walking along the busy Juuban street, she gradually took notice of a certain face, framed by wispy tendrils of brown hair escaped from its ponytail, bobbing above the other heads. A head curtained by a jet-black mane stepped along beside the first, and not far behind the two, another girl with blue hair scurried along industriously. The odango-ed blonde's face lit up with a smile. "_Minna!_" she cried happily. She turned back to Minako. "So this is big news, isn't it?"

"The _biggest_ news, Usagi-chan."

* * *

Rei pushed back a sheet of glossy black hair. "So, Minako? What's the emergency? Since it seems to be _so_ crucial."

Minako clapped her hands together. "Okay, okay! You guys are never going to believe this..." She trailed off, stirring the straw of her smoothie absently.

"Mina!" Came the chorus of four girls.

"_Hai!_ Well, last night I was walking home from the Ivory Room, right? I was just passing the shopping center, when"---she giggled excitedly---"I saw a _certain_ someone. Now, who can guess who it was?"

There was a brief pause, then...

"Setsuna!" Rei offered.

"No."

"Urawa-kun!" Ami chirped hopefully.

"Er...no."

"Who, then?"

It seemed Minako's grin was threatening to stretch literally from ear to ear. Her eyes caught Usagi's own, and she leaned forward, as though the information she was about to give was a secret to be cherished forever. "Usagi?" she said quietly. "Who do _you_ think I saw?"

Usagi stared blankly at Minako, but a specific name suddenly swirled through her mind like a hurricane.

No. _No_, it couldn't be. That was impossible.

But the blonde's eyes sparkled with knowledge that ran deeper than the limited wisdom of her earthly self. She was, after all, Sailor Venus---the senshi of _love_. Although she didn't always realize it, she understood emotion. Usagi swallowed the rising lump in her throat and whispered, solely to Minako, "Who?"

"Usagi-chan..._minna_...it was Seiya-kun."

Inexplicably, Usagi felt as though the ground beneath her fell away. She only vaguely comprehended the squeals of the other three girls around her, her own dizzying silence was deafening to her. It was unfathomable. This _couldn't _happen. It just couldn't be true.

Then, a second, even more wretched thought manifested; one that Usagi didn't even want to consider.

_Why did it matter this much?_


	4. Little Miss Sunshine

**A/N: Well, I'll be damned: It's an update. Has it really been over a year? Unless that little date up at the top of the screen is lying to me, I guess it has been. I'm so very sorry to have put this on hold while I adapted to college life, but now I solemnly swear that I **_**will**_** finish this, so help me God. (And in a timely manner, too!)…I want to thank everyone who will take the time to read this, especially the recurring readers; thank you so very much for your support. You keep me writing! (Now, is that a good thing, or a bad thing…?)**

* * *

_Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace_

_I dream at night, I can only see your face_

_I look around but it's you I can't replace_

_I feel so cold and I long for your embrace_

_I keep crying baby, baby, please..._

-"Every Breath You Take" by The Police

* * *

It was a normal weekday afternoon in Juuban. People rushed down the streets, heads held low, urgent to find their destinations. The sound of the crowd, that dim murmuring, mixed in with the other city sounds like car's engines and the shouts of salesmen advertising their wares. It was all very metropolitan, and the people who inhabited this metropolitan world were, consequently, metropolitan people.

That is why, in the midst of the hustle and bustle of all the faceless denizens, a single man seemed to stand out.

But Seiya didn't think he did, not at all. In fact, Seiya found it funny that girls who had once thrown themselves at him as he walked down the street paid him no notice now that his two friends no longer flanked his side. Or maybe he had changed. Maybe the way his face had become more defined, more resolute with the years separated his identity from that of his previous self.

He noticed that he had been humming to himself---humming a few previously forgotten chords that he hadn't ever missed since that final concert.

_Search for your love..._

And he had found her indeed, hadn't he?

He smirked to himself and adjusted his dark sunglasses on his face. He continued his way through the streets, his leisurely swagger setting him apart from the tumultuous crowd and his jet black ponytail swinging with every step he took.

* * *

"Usagi, I understand that you're stressed out, okay? I would be too, if I were you. But, seriously? This is fucking ridiculous."

Rei grimaced as she picked her way through the room, taking great caution to avoid the empty soda cans and crinkled potato chip bags that littered the floor. In the center of the wasteland of rubbish that had been Usagi's living room only a few hours earlier, the odangoed blonde was stretched over the sofa. Her eyes were firmly locked onto some trashy American reality show on the television and she was shoveling the contents of a carton of fudge brownie ice cream into her mouth as though it was the first food she had touched in months. In spite of her immense frustration, Rei paused momentarily and stared in awe. Despite Usagi's petite frame, the girl certainly knew how to binge when the occasion necessitated it.

The miko flopped onto the couch, next to Usagi's feet clad in Spongebob Squarepants socks, and pulled the floral blanket over her own lap. If Usagi noticed, she didn't show it; in fact, the spoon suddenly began to propel towards her mouth more rapidly than before.

"So...whatcha watchin'?"

Onscreen, a pair of bottle-blondes dressed in skimpy clothes were screeching at each other. Usagi observed the TV wondrously. "You know, I'm not entirely sure."

"...Oh." Now the two girls were slapping at each other violently while their fellow club-goers held them away from each other. "Looks pretty entertaining."

"I guess." The tub of ice cream was now devoid of every last ounce of fudgy brownie goodness. With the tenacity of a machine, Usagi reached for a box of snack cakes on the coffee table. Rei reached out instinctively and grabbed the little hand. "Good lord, Usagi, that's ENOUGH. I swear, you'll wake up tomorrow with a fresh layer of fat on your---What the hell?!"

Rei's jaw dropped as she looked at the hand clasped in her own. On the third slender finger there was a diamond ring that flickered resplendently in the light. Agape, the miko looked from the ring to Usagi's face and back again. Words failed her.

Usagi lifted a cupcake with her right hand, watching Rei's reaction with dreamy stupefaction. Finally, the miko managed to sputter out a few coherent words. "You got...ENGAGED?!"

Usagi's mouth was full, so she gave a nod and a slurred "Mmm hmm." Urged on by her friend's agape expression, she swallowed the sugary confection and gave a musing sigh. "It was last night. Oh, Rei-chan, it was just...magical. I think it was the happiest moment of my life."

Her hand fell from the miko's as Rei leapt forward and gathered the diminutive senshi in a girlish embrace. For a few moments, they said nothing; they only squealed frenziedly as they rocked to and fro on the couch. Finally, Rei broke away, but her violet eyes didn't leave Usagi's face. "This is...wow. This is it," she said earnestly. "It's like our future has officially begun. Not just yours and Mamoru's, but for the rest of us, too."

Usagi fell against the armrest and stared at the ceiling. "I know. I was thinking about that; how everything is just gonna fall into place after this. It's so weird."

"Fate," Rei said with an understanding nod.

"Yeah." The blonde's angel-pink lips pursed. "Have you ever wondered about things like that? How is it that we can live through our own free will, but our ultimate destinies stay so...tangible?"

For a moment, the miko wondered if her ears were still functioning correctly. Never in her life had she heard Usagi sound so saturnine and philosophical. But as she watched the blonde take an adamant bite out of a second cupcake, her expression of concern melted into a gentle smile. Strange as it was, carefree Usagi really was growing up; every day she became more and more like the divine queen that she would eventually be.

"Usagi, I'm a priestess. You think I don't ever ponder the mysteries of the supernatural?"


End file.
